my colleague - ewwwww

Okay, yes, most have you have heard me complain about my horrible co-worker, Lowell (his name has been changed for this blog, but most of you know who I'm talking about). I can't stand him, I have come to believe that he is my arch-nemesis.

Two years ago, I was once sitting in a cubicle directly adjacent to his, with a wall to separate our space (so he missed out on all my pretending-to-puke-with-my-finger-in-my-mouth-faces every time he spoke). I ended up moving across our part of the office to get away from the weird noises he always made. Please remember, that I could never see him, so I would only hear him. Thinking about this and even writing about this will surely give me nightmares tonight.

Weird noise #1: The "yawn"

He constantly yawns. Which normally wouldn't bother me since I am human and understand it's something we all do. But he somehow finds a way to gross me out and annoy me by yawning. So EVERYTIME he yawns, he sticks his arms all the way in the air, exaggerating an arched back and lets out this moan. And it's not a normal yawn sound, it's a moan. A short moan. If you're thinking a creepy, sexual, short moan - then you're right. And I have to listen to that multiple times a day coming out of a guy who looks like an evil elf.

Weird sound #2: The sigh

Lowell is a kiss-ass. He LOVES to kiss the ass of the head of the company and the management team. His main duty in his "Creative Director" position is creating Powerpoints (easy powepoints too - nothing fancy, a monkey wouldn't find it challenging) During the process of coordinating information for those few powerpoints, Lowell runs (literally - he's a heavy man too) back and forth from his desk to the CEO's office. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP Every time he gets back from one of his runs, he sits down and at his desk and does this "okay-sigh", which unfortunately, sounds extremely similar to the "yawn" mentioned earlier. This happens multiple times a day as well.

Weird sound #3: The clicking noise
A couple weeks ago, I heard a weird clicking noise coming from Lowell's cube. Regarding it as some project he was working on, I went on with my day and ignored it. A couple days later, I was walking by his cubicle to find out with the clicking noise actually was.

He was flossing his teeth.

At his desk.

So, think about it. If the clicking noise was loud enough for me to hear on the other side of room, that means he had to be doing it so aggressively that there was crap from his teeth flying everywhere.

In his cubicle.

Everywhere on his desk.

EEEEWWWWWWW.

I always felt sorry for Jim on "The Office" for having to deal with Dwight. But then I realized I, in fact, have my own Dwight.

I need a new job, people.