Okay, yes, most have you have heard me complain about my horrible co-worker, Lowell (his name has been changed for this blog, but most of you know who I'm talking about). I can't stand him, I have come to believe that he is my arch-nemesis.
Two years ago, I was once sitting in a cubicle directly adjacent to his, with a wall to separate our space (so he missed out on all my pretending-to-puke-with-my-finger-in-my-mouth-faces every time he spoke). I ended up moving across our part of the office to get away from the weird noises he always made. Please remember, that I could never see him, so I would only hear him. Thinking about this and even writing about this will surely give me nightmares tonight.
Weird noise #1: The "yawn"
He constantly yawns. Which normally wouldn't bother me since I am human and understand it's something we all do. But he somehow finds a way to gross me out and annoy me by yawning. So EVERYTIME he yawns, he sticks his arms all the way in the air, exaggerating an arched back and lets out this moan. And it's not a normal yawn sound, it's a moan. A short moan. If you're thinking a creepy, sexual, short moan - then you're right. And I have to listen to that multiple times a day coming out of a guy who looks like an evil elf.
Weird sound #2: The sigh
Lowell is a kiss-ass. He LOVES to kiss the ass of the head of the company and the management team. His main duty in his "Creative Director" position is creating Powerpoints (easy powepoints too - nothing fancy, a monkey wouldn't find it challenging) During the process of coordinating information for those few powerpoints, Lowell runs (literally - he's a heavy man too) back and forth from his desk to the CEO's office. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP Every time he gets back from one of his runs, he sits down and at his desk and does this "okay-sigh", which unfortunately, sounds extremely similar to the "yawn" mentioned earlier. This happens multiple times a day as well.
Weird sound #3: The clicking noise
A couple weeks ago, I heard a weird clicking noise coming from Lowell's cube. Regarding it as some project he was working on, I went on with my day and ignored it. A couple days later, I was walking by his cubicle to find out with the clicking noise actually was.
He was flossing his teeth.
At his desk.
So, think about it. If the clicking noise was loud enough for me to hear on the other side of room, that means he had to be doing it so aggressively that there was crap from his teeth flying everywhere.
In his cubicle.
Everywhere on his desk.
EEEEWWWWWWW.
I always felt sorry for Jim on "The Office" for having to deal with Dwight. But then I realized I, in fact, have my own Dwight.
I need a new job, people.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My car smells like crayons
Last week, Chris and I traded in the "soccer-mom-mobile" for a sensible sedan. I love it, Chris loves it - except for one thing.
We didn't notice it when we took it for a test drive, but only on the way home did we place the strangely reminiscent smell. Our favorite childhood tool for wall graphiti: the crayon. After we realized what it was, the smell became extremely overwhelming for the two of us.
Fuck, it smells so much like crayon.
After telling a friend about this at work, my intern says:
"My friend's Passatt smells like crayon. He's had it for a couple years and has never gotten rid of the smell"
DAMMIT. Wait - did I tell her we have a Jetta? Is this some weird, strange coincidence? Turns out, I didn't tell her we had a Volkswagen and it sounds like our car is doomed.
Determined to find a way to get rid of the smell, I decided to start big. Fuck those damn smelly trees, I went for the big guns.
Another friend from work told me about this uppity French store in Pacific Place that carried these things called "perfume blocks." For $14 you get four, approximately 1 inch square blocks of perfume, which will give off enough lovely scent to fill an entire 1500 square foot room.
According to my friend and the saleslady, I should split one (ONE) of these cubes in half and put it in the car. It will give off more than enough scent and might even be overwhelming, so DEFINTELY keep it away from the heat.
Right when I get into the car I open the package. It smelled wonderful, like a rainforest in the summer (*?*). Since the crayon smell is so strong in the car, I decide that instead of splitting one cube in half, I'll put out an entire cube. On the way home, I have no idea if I smell the cube itself or the perfume on my fingers. Either way, I pat myself on the back for overcoming the crayon. I get back to the house and park the car, full of excitement from when I'll get into a fresh, beautiful-smelling car the next day.
The next morning, I open the car door and get in.
I smell crayon. Fuck, it smells so much like crayon. FUUUUUCCCCKKK.
Over the next few days, I gradually add a cube to the original one I unwrapped and each day I'm greeted with that damn crayon smell. All four of the cubes have now been unwrapped and placed in the middle console of the car, underneath the heater.
I still smell crayon. These perfume fuckers were supposed to fill 1500 SQUARE FEET. That's bigger than our town home.
Oh well. Anybody wanna go to Chucky Cheese?
We didn't notice it when we took it for a test drive, but only on the way home did we place the strangely reminiscent smell. Our favorite childhood tool for wall graphiti: the crayon. After we realized what it was, the smell became extremely overwhelming for the two of us.
Fuck, it smells so much like crayon.
After telling a friend about this at work, my intern says:
"My friend's Passatt smells like crayon. He's had it for a couple years and has never gotten rid of the smell"
DAMMIT. Wait - did I tell her we have a Jetta? Is this some weird, strange coincidence? Turns out, I didn't tell her we had a Volkswagen and it sounds like our car is doomed.
Determined to find a way to get rid of the smell, I decided to start big. Fuck those damn smelly trees, I went for the big guns.
Another friend from work told me about this uppity French store in Pacific Place that carried these things called "perfume blocks." For $14 you get four, approximately 1 inch square blocks of perfume, which will give off enough lovely scent to fill an entire 1500 square foot room.
According to my friend and the saleslady, I should split one (ONE) of these cubes in half and put it in the car. It will give off more than enough scent and might even be overwhelming, so DEFINTELY keep it away from the heat.
Right when I get into the car I open the package. It smelled wonderful, like a rainforest in the summer (*?*). Since the crayon smell is so strong in the car, I decide that instead of splitting one cube in half, I'll put out an entire cube. On the way home, I have no idea if I smell the cube itself or the perfume on my fingers. Either way, I pat myself on the back for overcoming the crayon. I get back to the house and park the car, full of excitement from when I'll get into a fresh, beautiful-smelling car the next day.
The next morning, I open the car door and get in.
I smell crayon. Fuck, it smells so much like crayon. FUUUUUCCCCKKK.
Over the next few days, I gradually add a cube to the original one I unwrapped and each day I'm greeted with that damn crayon smell. All four of the cubes have now been unwrapped and placed in the middle console of the car, underneath the heater.
I still smell crayon. These perfume fuckers were supposed to fill 1500 SQUARE FEET. That's bigger than our town home.
Oh well. Anybody wanna go to Chucky Cheese?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)